What Is Life?
by stopthisgirl
Summary: Who is Caleb Rivers? Exactly why has he shut his emotions off and disconnected himself from the world? All he wants is a reason to persevere, and a reason to believe in life again. Could he get his wish one day at an abandoned deli? Rated T for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: You know, I've been reading a bunch of these stories and I just find Caleb's character so interesting. So I thought I'd do a little experiment. This may get a little intense, but sorry, not that much Haleb fluff if that's all you're reading for :P It's a little AU in the sense of how Hanna and Caleb met. Rated T for swearing and drama :X**

**I do not own **_**Pretty Little Liars

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He stood in a parking lot of an old deli he found wandering around his home one day. Although, it wasn't really his home, but just his temporary house. A home is a place where one feels safe, secure, always loved. Home is where your parents tuck you in at night and tell you bedtime stories. No, Caleb didn't have one of those. Just a room that he shared with a kid he didn't even know in an endless hallway of doors, like a college building filled with dorms. A place where his foster parents never even realized if he came home at all that week, let alone just one night. As long as they got their fair share of money for legally housing him, they didn't care if he was on another continent; at least, that's what he told himself.

He took out a cigarette as he remembered when he went to his first foster home. He was nine-years-old. He remembered being home with his sister, Genevieve, playing Jenga. He could still hear the constant yelling from his parents in the room over and the knocking on the thin apartment walls from their neighbors. As the small wooden blocks came to a tumble when Genevieve pulled one out, a door was heard swinging open. Caleb turned his small head to see his mother holding the left side of her face, a stream of blood falling from just above her eye. But he didn't understand when his sister started to cry and went to their mother's assistance. He didn't understand why they were crying and his father was laughing. He didn't _want_ to understand.

By that night, Caleb's mother drove him and his sister to a historical looking, black building with gothic gates around it. She whispered something to Genevieve, who nodded respectively, and took hold of Caleb's hand, dragging him to the front door. His sister looked emotionless as she rang the doorbell and watched their mother's green SUV drive away. She knew what was going to happen, and for his own sake, she kept it a secret from her brother. When an old lady smoking a cigarette answered the door, Genevieve handed her two papers with their mother's signature all over it. She nodded and pulled the two inside, calling to a man named Burt. When he appeared, Caleb had to cover his mouth and nose because of the stench of whiskey infecting his senses. The man took Genevieve to one side of the house, holding onto her pony-tail, while the woman nudged Caleb to the other. The next morning, he said goodbye to his sister, who later drove off in a small van with more children her age. She was sent to a house in Virginia, due to her age group and overcrowding. Caleb was stuck in Chicago, alone. That was the last day he decided to feel. He was only nine.

The long haired boy shook his mind of that day. He wanted nothing more than to forget that event. He wished to just start clean one day, to have a restart button on his whole life. But after so many years of tolerating pain, he knew he had to just leave. That's why he wanted to go to Arizona. The farther he could run from the people who hurt him, he believed the farther he could run from remembering them and what they made him do. They made him feel like he was a waste of life. They made him feel like he didn't have a purpose. They made him feel like no one would ever want something to do with him. And for the longest time, he believed it, and still did. He wondered if there would ever be a person to reassemble his mind.

As he took his last drag of his cigarette, he looked around to see if anyone was watching him. There was only one other car in the parking lot, and it had two flat tires, making Caleb believe that it was just abandoned. He slid to the ground, still leaning against the car he had come there in, and looked at the patch of skin that was revealed through the hole in his pants, just above his right knee. As his cigarette still burned, he stabbed his naked skin with the tip of it, watching ashes disperse around the circle. He felt the heat rise as he self inflicted his leg, and his eyebrows furrowed together as he held back the pain he was causing himself. He counted to fifteen, and then finally took the burned out cigarette from its place, melting his already scarred skin.

He felt nothing. Empty. He wondered why he kept doing it. He didn't feel anything after; not satisfied, not sad, happy. Nothing. He threw his cigarette far away from him and he ran his open palms through his hair, pushing it out of his eyes as they searched his surroundings. He felt nothing. He had nothing.

His posture perked up when he heard the sound of a car rolling into the parking lot. He leaned over to look behind his own car as he saw a silver Mercedes barely make it to the middle of the vacant area. He watched as the petite patches of grass coming from cracks in the pavement blew in the diminutive wind the car created as it passed by, before making a loud bang and completely stopping. The blond driver with oversized, brown tinted sunglasses and an excessive amount of jewelry punched the steering wheel, causing a shrill honk, and jumped out of her car mumbling.

"Shit, fuck, damn-it," Caleb could hear her say as she was only a few feet away from him now. "Best car on the lot my ass. I have half a mind to get him fired." Caleb tried to stifle a laugh but found it pointless. He stood, smirking to himself. When he caught full sight of the woman, he figured he could get some money out of her. She was wearing very tall heals which she was stumbling in with all the cracks in the old lot, jeans that he wondered if even allowed a person to bend, and a pink shirt that hung off her bare shoulder. He figured he could fix the car no problem, but charge her a couple hundred bucks for it. She looked so rich she probably wouldn't care.

"You lost?" he asked her, taking a step towards her. He kept his face completely still as a white hot pain went through his body from his pant leg rubbing against his fresh wound.

"I live in this town, jackass. My car broke down and all I'm trying to do is go home," the blond responded, a smirk of her own dancing across her pale, but beautiful face. Caleb somehow found it intriguing.

"I could help you out, but it might cost you," he told her, advancing towards the hood of her car. The blond's expression fell to a cheerless one.

"I, I don't have the money to," she barely voiced, embarrassed upon saying it.

"Right, I'd probably just spend it on booze anyways, right?" Caleb said, thinking he understood what she meant by her comment. He thought she was implying that she was better than him. But how he was wrong.

"No, really, my family is having some money problems," Hanna blurted, unable to stop her mouth. Why was she telling this to a complete stranger. Well, it wasn't like she was going to see him again.

"Well I'll see what I can do," Caleb responded, clearly seeing the truth in her eyes. He opened the hood of her car as steam poured from the new opening. He wasn't sure why he was helping her. He didn't see anything in it for him. Maybe it was because she was having some sort of family troubles, whether it be with money or people in general, but that somehow made him already feel closer to her. Like they already had a connection.

"Hanna," the blond spoke suddenly. The long haired man brought his gaze to hers as they locked eyes. "My name is Hanna," she said quietly, giving a faint smile.

"Didn't ask," Caleb retorted, looking back down to the engine as he fumbled with a few things.

"Well a gentleman would've," Hanna replied angrily. Caleb found it interesting how she had a comeback. It was like he was talking to someone like himself for once.

"Well princess, I'm not a gentleman," he said, his tone deep and quiet. Their eyes were still locked and Hanna raised one perfectly plucked eyebrow. "Caleb," he finally verbalized, giving in to her silent demand. He knocked a few more things around in the engine before he nodded his head to Hanna. She silently moved back into the driver's seat and turned the key. It magically started. Caleb smirked to himself as he slammed the hood closed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Well Caleb, I guess I was lucky to meet you," Hanna said, grinning at him with peach colored lips. His heart felt like it was being suffocated when he heard her say this, surprised anyone felt lucky to be around him. He tried to hide his smile as he bent down to the open window, his elbows resting on the edge.

"So you live around here?" He asked, looking into her eyes, being intimidating. But she wasn't fazed. She smirked back and her eyes brightened.

"Sorry, but you're not my type." When she had said it, he saw something flash in her eyes. Something he couldn't explain. It was like she was trying to fight something. The urge to look away when she had said it, perhaps?

"Don't worry, I'm nobody's type," he replied, lifting himself from his leaning position. He stuck his hands in his pockets as he turned to walk back to his own car. Hanna drove away before she could let herself ponder what he had just said. By the time the deli was erased from her rearview mirror, she already felt guilty for leaving someone who seemed so vulnerable completely unaided with nothing but his tainted mind.

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**A/N: Thank you so much for reading and please review! I do not know if I will continue, so let me know where you think this should go! ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

Hanna couldn't believe that she had just driven off like that. Every stop sign she came too, she debated turning around and going back to him. She couldn't figure out why though. It was like she felt like she could've done something, anything. _I'm nobody's type_. His words replayed over and over. She felt the need to see him again. Maybe she could drop by that deli tomorrow after school, just to see if he was still there. But what would she do if he was? She was the prom queen and he was some kid that seemed to be living in a parking lot. She couldn't risk being seen with him. Not after being with the prom king, Sean Ackard. People would assume she's spiraling downward; that her life would be falling apart. She wouldn't let people see that. She's Hanna Marin, she's _fabulous. _

But as she lay down on her bed, turning out the lights for the night, her last thought was of Caleb. The long haired boy who she hoped wouldn't be on the news the next morning for suicide. But how could she think he would be? Did his manner emanate sadness? Loneliness? _I'm nobody's type_. There it was again. Did he block people out of his life because he knew they would hurt him? Hanna had done the same thing the first year after Alison went missing. Being close to anyone just didn't seem possible anymore. It was like she was betraying her now dead best friend. She shivered as her past came back to her memory. A single tear rolled down her cheek from her tightly shut eyes before she finally drifted off into a tireless sleep.

Caleb shifted in the backseat of his old Buick. The leather seats chilled his body as the moon shone through the transparent windows. He fought with his one blanket to warm him, bringing it closer to his face. But this only exposed his shoes, which were still encasing his feet to keep warm. He eventually sat straight up in his car, frustrated with his own life. He had half a mind to go back to his foster home, no matter how abusive his temporary parents were. But he quickly shook his head and threw the idea far away. He was too stubborn to give in to anything in his whole life, and the foster system would not be his first. He closed his eyes and felt a hot liquid stream down his face. He punched the seat in front of him as he realized he had just cried.

As the sun peeked out from behind tall pine trees, Caleb opened his eyes with haste. He couldn't remember falling asleep the night before. But at least the temperature was rising with the sun. He got out of the backseat and stretched his limbs. He checked his watch. It was 6:30 in the morning on a Monday. His first day to the new school here in Rosewood.

The day dragged on and Caleb managed to get himself a detention; apparently you're not allowed to smoke on school property. Or cut class. Or sell cigarettes in the men's bathroom. But hey, he was just trying to make a living. The final school day bell rang, and Caleb calmly walked to the room where he was told to report to for his weekly detentions. He really had no problem with it. It was better than driving back to the deli parking lot and feeling empty. At least he could feel hopeless in a room with a bunch of other kids who felt the same. But when he entered, he saw someone he didn't expect. _Hanna_.

"Caleb?" she quietly greeted him in a surprised way as he took the only seat left, which was next to her. He gave her a strange look as he pretended not to know who she was. "You fixed my car yesterday. Don't you remember?"

"Oh right, I wouldn't forget, Haley," he told her, purposely messing up her name. He couldn't look like he cared. What would that bring him to? A friend in her? She would leave. She was going somewhere in her life. He was just going to the parking lot of a deli.

"It's Hanna," she scoffed. He smirked at her and she suspected he had done it on purpose. "I, I didn't know you went here."

"Just moved here," he said. His sentences were short and breathless. He stared straight ahead, only making eye contact with her for a few seconds when she spoke the first time.

"Where from?" she said smiling, trying to start a conversation. Caleb turned towards her with a small smirk.

"A lot of places," he said deeply and hushed. The supervisor got up and left the room, locking the door behind him. Everyone in the room erupted into noise, taking the chance to talk to their fellow delinquents. Then there was Hanna. "What are you even doing here?" he questioned, slightly chuckling as a piece of rolled up paper flew over her head.

"I cut gym this morning," she spoke while rolling her eyes, "my mom needed some help, with something," she finished, looking straight into his eyes. She still couldn't tell why she bothered speaking to him. She hadn't told any of her friends about her family situation. She met him yesterday and she felt he could develop into her confidant. But she didn't have the slightest idea why she hoped he would be.

"Wow, rebel," he told her, his signature smirk painted on his face. Hanna rolled her eyes for the second time, but still smiling at him. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to know him. She wanted him to know her.

She glanced down to his leg. A bare patch of skin was shown on his knee through his tattered pants. She saw multiple circles on his skin that were darkened, white, or red and gushing. They were burns. Some healed, some fresh, and some that seemed just a few weeks old.

"Caleb, what happened," Hanna asked, curious and pointing towards his knee. He looked down, his eyes searching. His mind blanked as he tried to find words. He had a story made if anyone asked. But for the life of him, he couldn't remember it.

"Nothing," he blurted, unable to voice anything more. But why would some Rosewood girl care? He saw no reason to really make a story, since she probably wouldn't remember she saw it in a few minutes anyways.

"They look like burns," Hanna replied, proving Caleb wrong.

"I smoke," Caleb verbalized. Hanna furrowed her eyebrows wondering how that had anything to do with them. Most people don't just drop their cigarettes on their legs and burn themselves, creating such a perfect circle.

"But—"

"That's it," Caleb practically hissed. He just wanted to drop the subject.

"So what street did you move to?" Hanna asked, trying to break the tension. She didn't know what was going on with him, but maybe he would tell her someday.

"The deli parking lot," Caleb mumbled. He wanted people to believe that he was on his own. It looked better than saying he lived in a foster home. One of those required a sob story of a background of his parents leaving him. Being on your own gave one the image of independence, rebellion. It made him look stronger than he actually was.

"You're living in your car?" Hanna asked, completely appalled. Caleb nodded slowly. He felt the sudden need to smoke. He needed to get out of this room. He needed to be alone. He needed to feel hot ashes burning his skin.

"Have a pin?" he asked, completely ignoring her other question. Hanna cocked an eyebrow but eventually pulled a bobby-pin out of her hair. Caleb stretched it out and made his way to the door. In a few seconds he clicked it open, giving a nod with his head to Hanna. He wanted her to follow him. She got up and did so, not caring of the possible consequences of leaving detention; or the possible consequences of becoming close to a guy she had just met.

Some may think it to be awkward, ditching detention to drive around in a car with someone you know nothing about. But they found it comfortable to just sit in silence, listening to the other breathe. Caleb smirked as he caught sight of the small smile forming on Hanna's lips. He didn't know it, but it was her first real smile in a long time.

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**A/N: Review! Send critiques, suggestions, love! Send anything you have to say! What'd you think of the latest episode? Predictions/Hopes for the finale? Lemme know if you want anything in this story too! Thank you ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

It had been 3 months since Hanna and Caleb snuck out of detention that breezy day. It had been 3 months of Hanna's true smile appearing, bringing out a small tingle and a suffocation feeling in the midst of Caleb's chest. His locker, conveniently across from hers, was where the two met up right before lunch every day. Even without speaking, Caleb found himself smiling, not smirking, at the now familiar gleam in her eye. She leant against the locker next to his as he stuffed his new bills from a recent customer into a small envelope in his jacket pocket hanging in his locker.

"What are you looking at?" Hanna asked, mid-sentence, although Caleb couldn't tell a single soul what she was talking about because he had no idea. He internally fought with himself as he came to terms with the fact that he had just gotten lost in her eyes.

"I was just thinking about something," he told her, trying to figure out what he could change the subject to.

"So do you have detention yet?" Hanna asked him as she pulled out a ham and cheese sandwich from her lunch bag. She swiftly put it in his hands like she had been doing for the past few months without moving her gaze. Caleb smiled at how routine their lives had become. Were they friends? Was he okay with that? Did he want something more out of it? How badly would it hurt him, and more importantly her, when he left? Did he still want to leave anymore, though?

"I actually don't," Caleb responded, making sure it didn't seem like he was distracted. "Must be an off day," he added, smirking. "Which might be a good thing… My car needs to be brought to the shop to get the heating fixed; the nights have been so cold now that winter is coming around."

"Wait, you were being serious when you said you lived in your car?" Hanna asked him quickly, moving herself in front of him and stopping him from advancing towards the cafeteria anymore. He looked down to see her hand on his chest to keep him from taking another step as well. He smirked at her as he looked in her eyes and she self consciously dropped her hand to her side.

"Why would I joke about that?" he asked her, still not moving from his very spot.

"You can't live in your car," she told him, her eyebrows furrowing with care. "How are you going to study for anything? How are you supposed to have privacy?" Hanna questioned, almost panicking. She couldn't help but imagine what it would be like living in her own car. A would be able to get closer to her than ever and she was so grateful she had her house to protect her.

"Newsflash, I don't get much of that," he told her, rolling his eyes and trying to move past her. As much as he liked people thinking he was the tough guy, living on his own, he wanted nothing more than to end this conversation. He didn't want to seem like that guy with the hard exterior shell with Hanna anymore. He just wanted to pretend he didn't exist and go have his lunch with her.

"You could stay with me?" Hanna said quietly, putting her hand on his chest again to stop him from walking away. He looked into her eyes as he felt something creep into his mind; something he hadn't felt since he was younger. Fear. He was afraid of damaging whatever they had by jeopardizing it with moving closer. Staying with her could lead to them becoming something more, which would only lead to pain. He knew this from his own broken family. The closer you get, the faster it is to be over.

"I can't," he finally found himself saying. "I can't because your mom would ask questions, a social worker would get involved, and I'd be shipped off to Arizona," he spoke and his eyes widened, "or somewhere." Was his self-conscious trying to tell him something? He was just going to say some other state, but Arizona uncontrollably blurted out of his mouth. It was like his mind was trying to express how badly he wished to be there. To find a missing piece to his heart. If only he knew that finding a part of his past couldn't repair his present, or his future.

"But there's an old futon in my basement," Hanna tried convincing, "you can sleep down there and my mom will never know. I promise," she begged. It hurt her to see him in such a bad condition. She knew how badly she feels like she's suffering because of her mother's money troubles. But Caleb's world must be ten times worse. At least Hanna still had a roof over her head. At least she still had a bed to sleep in. At least she still had someone to tell her she loved her every night, and she knew that she would be there in the morning.

Caleb looked her in the eyes and genuinely thought about the idea. He was afraid of moving closer to her, of course. But the nights in his car were becoming brutal. And he didn't have enough money to pay for the amount of gas needed to fuel his car every night to keep the heat on. After what felt like hours of an uncomfortable silence, Caleb finally nodded his head in agreement. Hanna beamed at him and intertwined her hand with his as they made their way to the cafeteria. As they swiftly walked down the hall, Caleb felt the pain of his mud encrusted jeans sweep against his multiple burns on his legs. Fear flooded his veins once more as he realized the possibility of her finding out. Fear flooded his mind as he imagined her words when he hurt her from leaving. Fear flooded into pools in his heart as he suddenly had no idea what he wanted more in his life: a slim chance of finding his mother who abandoned him, or Hanna, the girl who suddenly made Caleb want to feel again.

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